I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
