Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize