I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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