Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize