no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It all started with a game of naked twister.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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