I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
