im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
