i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
