dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need to sanitize my soul.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
