I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
