He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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