I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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