i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
