saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
