sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
