Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
pop tarts are not kleenex
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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