I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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