Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
