i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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