Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
