the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
