Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
