I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
