call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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