its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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