I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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