Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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