I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
