hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
