A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you win again, gameday.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
