I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
