My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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