Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
