I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
