i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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