I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
