I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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