It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
