I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
