see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
