I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
