No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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