It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
