She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
