Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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