Sry I called you an 8
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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