it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize