Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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