Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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