I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
