i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
