all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
