he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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