I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
