Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
