u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
