Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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