Do you still have your period?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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