i permit you to call me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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