my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
