remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Is it penis luge time yet?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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