It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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