Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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