SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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