Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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